I once worked for a feller, a gent who I liked really well
The pay was good, the comp’ny too, the job fit perty swell
But he had this ole’ red healer, a mangy cur named Joe
And ‘fore too long this much I knew: one of us had to go
It was my first day in the outfit, and we was fixin’ fence
When I had me my first skirmish, I wadn’t left in suspense
I was sent to fetch the stretchers, and I reached into the truck
And as I pulled the stretchers out, well, the enemy had struck
That whelp hadn’t even barked at all, heck, she didn’t even growl
She just sunk her teeth into my arm, and I jumped back with a yowl
I staggered back and looked at her, and looked down at my arm
And the bruising and the blood told me, she meant to do me harm
Then she just set there grinnin’ at me, or mebbe it was a leer
I seen her fangs and her hackles up, and the message? It was clear
“There ain’t no room for you here, pard, you best just mosey on.”
The stance she took told me quite plain, “The battle lines are drawn.”
Well, I tried to shake it off as I mounted and rode back to the crew,
But the boss, he seen my arm and asked, “What the hell happened to you?”
I says, “Oh, that healer bit my arm, when I reached into the truck.
I guess I must’ve skeered her a bit, I guess it’s my bad luck.”
He says, “She just don’t know you yet, that’s all. She’ll warm up ‘fore long
He meant it when he said it, but guess what, boys? He was wrong.
I tried to bring her treats and scraps, I tried to be her friend,
She seemed to like them perty well, but me? That’s a dead end
She never bit the hand that fed her, she just bit me later on
And it was clear that she’d keep bitin’ me till one of us was gone
One day I’s out diggin’ post holes, in that miserable gravely loam
When she took the second skirmish, in a patch of grassy brome
The ground was full of rocks that the diggers couldn’t shake
And I’d have to fish ’em out by hand ‘fore I could set my stake
I’d pour some water in the hole, then work it all around
Then reach down till my shoulder was down deep under the ground
Then I got a special feelin’ at the tip-top of my haunch
She’d been hoverin’ behind me, and when I went down, then she launched
She got a great big mouthful at the bottom of my rump
And when I dropped my trousers later on she’d give me quite a lump
Well, now the niceties were over, now there warnt no more façade
And I said, “Come hell er highwater, I’m a gonna git that dawg!”
I got my chance when winter come, and we was out to feed
All the cattle in the winter fields, from a sleigh pulled by two steeds
The boss, he’d drive the team most days, while I bucked the hay behind
To a couple hundred mother pairs, with a fork that had four tines
The snow was perty deep that year, ’bout four or five feet high
And a healer standin’ on two legs can just barely reach your thigh
She liked to run from side to side, on the sleigh, nippin’ at the stock
And as we passed through a deep ole drift, I gently nudged her off
Well she pitched right into the deep, white snow, disappeared without a trace
And up she come with about five pounds of snow packed in her face
She started leapin’ through the snow to catch up to the sleigh
But she had to jump two times her height for each step along the way
And as she gained upon us I pitched hay into her path
’till at last she leaped upon the sleigh, plumb ragged and out of breath
As she stood there lookin’ at me, I knew I didn’t have much time,
‘fore she launched a new attack at me, so I proceeded on with mine
I slid another bale down, and run it right under her chin,
And as she stepped back to miss the bale, she fell right off again
Down into the snow she went, just as neatly as you please
And she understood what really fell was the sword of Damocles
Now she understood the score, that since she bit that arm of mine
She’d been livin’ on what could only be described as borrowed time
She’d taken several skirmishes, she’d fought her best clear through
But a critter on four legs won’t outwit this one on two
Leapin’ through the snow she came, but slowed along the way,
And I moved a bunch of bales right to the edges of the sleigh,
She didn’t try to jump no more, she knew that she’d been had
As I watched her labor through the snow, I didn’t even feel bad
My arm had healed, my rump had, too, but my pride took just a while
And as she huffed and puffed just keepin’ up, I couldn’t help but smile
As we finished up that night, well boys, I couldn’t hide my grin,
Thinkin’ ‘bout how I had whupped that dog and finally done her in.
Like a young, proud banty rooster, just a-gloatin’ in my head,
I puffed my chest plumb out and grinned as I strutted off to bed.
I stepped into the bunkhouse, and I crowed about my deed
And I told how she was one whipped pup, 100% guaranteed
I told every lovin’ detail, and I didn’t leave nuthin’ out
And I said, “Now that dern curr shore learned what this Cowboy’s about!”
I shucked my dusty dungarees and doused the lantern flame,
Chucklin’ to myself ‘bout how that dog was done with this ole game
I flopped right down onto my back, onto my pillow’s heap,
At times a cowpoke’s bunk’s the perfect spot to get some sleep
But as my head hit center-mass, it just felt kinder strange
Twas warm and damp and squishy-like—like cowpies on the range.
The smell hit next, a pungent cloud that filled by nostrils up
I was layin’ in a steaming, brown-toned present from that pup
I’d won the field, I’d won the snow, I’d won the hay-bale fight,
But Joe? She’d won the final word… and she left it there that night.
I spent the wee hours scrubbin’ wool and cursin’ every inch,
“Cause a four-legged critter beat one with two, in the Battle for Rainey Crick Ranch.